October 21, 2014

Time

“Do you want me to bring you anything, honey?”
            “No, thanks. But thank you.”
“Are you sure? Anything at all. Day or night. You just let me know.”

Then it hit me. 
Time.
I wanted more TIME.

I didn’t want my favorite drink. Or flowers. Or my favorite candy bar. Or even my favorite music playing in the background. All I wanted was just a little more time.

That was the conversation as I was explaining between sobs that my dog of 12 years had a tumor that was bleeding out and we didn’t have much more of that precious thing called time.

I was quickly reminded how precious time is.

I was reminded of how much time I let pass since I have last shared my thoughts on paper. For an instant it feels like forever and for another instant it feels like yesterday.

The last 8 months have seen much to say the least.
Jobs have come and gone.
Relationships have come and gone.
Life has come and gone.
Dreams have come and gone and dreams have come again.

There has been much joy and much sorrow. Much mercy and much grace. Brokeness and healing. But most importantly time has come and gone. And by His mercy, time remains.

What will I do with the time that I have? I have slowly been wising up on making the best use of my current time. It’s been a little painful. Some of my ways of thinking and doing things have had to change. But it’s been good. And I’m learning that life will go on regardless if you are ready or not. Why? Because time is constantly changing and moving forward. And time can be used to your advantage or to your disadvantage.

I want to be ready! Ready for the gift. Ready for the dream. Ready to live the abundant life to the fullest and get the most out of the time I have been given.


More later… Right now it’s TIME to head to the beach!!

February 3, 2014

Falling


Six months ago I made a decision.

A decision to go back into the corporate world. A decision to enter into the world of lies and deceit and manipulation and self promotion that I despise. However, it was a decision I knew I was being lead to. Lead to by the master shepherd and protector and provider. Was I scared? Yes. Was it what I wanted to do? No. Was I assured it was the right thing to do? Yes.

It was as if everything was falling into place. Even though it wasn’t necessarily how I thought or expected it would happen.

Six months later I feel as though everything is falling apart. Everything. It hasn’t happened over night. It’s been coming for a while and I sit here and wonder why. Why this keeps happening to me. Why He is doing this to me. And yet I still know I made the right decision. But I still ask the question why and I’m not sure I’ll get an answer. And I’m not sure what I'm going do. I guess for now, I’ll just keep turning to the only One I know to turn to. 

October 20, 2013

At It Again

Well... I'm at it again. As I've already mentioned, I'm back in the corporate world. I've been at it for 3 weeks and I'm fully submersed. It's been a transition in more ways than one and I'll tell you more about that later. Right now I just want to share this simple quote with you as it helps me get through the rough days.

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
FORGIVE them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be KIND anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be HONEST anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be HAPPY anyway.
The good you do today, may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do GOOD anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give your BEST anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It never was between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa

September 25, 2013

Soaking 201


 
 
I’ve been soaking for quite some time now.

And I feel as though I owe an apology. As mentioned in an earlier post, I prayed for a time to soak and those of you that know me, know that I love beautiful, sunny days. They make my heart sing. However, I feel like all the rain this summer has played a significant role in washing my heart of the lies it has built up and I found myself looking forward to the rainy days so I could sit, soak and be washed in His truth. Therefore, I apologize for the excess of rainfall this year. I guess it tells you how much soaking I really needed and still need for that matter. In fact, I am sitting on my covered porch as we speak enjoying the nice steady rain. And my heart is singing. I even went and sat in the rain at the park this morning, but that is a story for anther time.

Back to soaking…

I have discovered the truth of the matter is that I have no idea how to do this thing called life. But wait. Don’t stop there. There is hope. There is one that does know. He is the all knowing; the all loving; the all powerful. Our Helper here on earth.

            “And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever- the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you”  - John 14: 16,17

In this time of soaking, I have discovered that as much as I want to be able to carry the burdens of life, I am not called for that responsibility. They say one quality of a strong leader is delegation – knowing when to share the responsibility because you have too much on your plate. No one likes a micromanager. However, that is sometimes what I become when I try to carry all my burdens in life. So I look at it this way… I am simply called to follow His truth and delegate the burdens to Him so He can carry the load. How comforting is that? Perhaps that is why many of us are so fatigued and worn. We were never intended to carry the weight of this world. Why do we find it so necessary then? Maybe because we want to prove to the world that we can handle this thing called life. I’m not sure how it’s been working for you, but it hasn’t been turning out to swell for me. It has left me fatigued and worn out.

            “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” -  Matthew 11:28-30

You must understand the concept of the yoke to be able to fully understand this passage. The yoke was a double harness in which two animals pulled together. Often, one harness was larger than the other and meant for the stronger and more experienced animal.  The smaller harness was used to train the smaller, weaker animal.

I don’t know about you, but I could use some rest! Now you can put into practical application of Matthew 11:28-30. If you take His yoke and put it on yourself, that means you do not have to carry the burdens anymore. That is His job! What a relief!

I know some of you are wishing there was an easier solution to this. And sometimes (well, probably a lot of the time) I wish the same thing. I know it is easier said than done, but really the answer is just giving it to Him to carry. If you are like me and countless others, you give it to Him only to turn around and take it right back. That’s the hard part. Leaving it in His hands to carry and not snatching it back. For me, it is a daily battle. And it is my hope that with some time and practice and it will get easier. I hope… I’m not speaking from experience on this one because I haven’t made it there yet. Remember… I have admitted to being a control freak. *chuckle, chuckle* But at least I am aware of the problem. And part of problem is that the control nature tells me I should keep a handle on my life. However, I’m finding that I’m not the best one for that job.

On that note, I will close with this quote from a book I am reading, “Calm My Anxious Heart” by Linda Dillow. *Upon which I highly recommend to all those worriers and control freaks out there like myself.

            “Just as a cup of tea gets stronger when we give it time to steep, so we become more content when we spend time in God’s Word and allow it to seep into our lives, transforming us to be like Him.”

Just as we want our cup of tea to be strong and rich in flavor we must allow it to steep which takes time and patience. Even so, if we want our lives to be strong and rich in His love and truth, we must steep ourselves into His Word. Again, this takes time and patience. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Now go steep!

September 13, 2013

Wrecked

 
I was wrecked today.
 
Some may initially think negativity, but I believe it was actually a positive thing. Lies were revealed and broken off so that more truth can resurface and plant itself. You know that old saying… Never pray for something you don’t want???? I’m going to give a few amen’s to that.
 
I’ll get back to the soaking part momentarily, but right now this topic overrides.
 
It’s been awhile since I have felt such an assortment of emotions in such a short amount of time. Sorrow overcome with joy, fear overcome with peace, heartbreak overcome with healing, loneliness overcome with hope, I could go on and on.  
 
I am experiencing a few life changes at the moment as most of us are. And obviously experiencing them with mixed emotions. However, I choose to look at the positive side of things and see what I can learn from the changes.  
 
Some of you may know I am getting ready to re-enter the corporate world. Not something I thought I would do again for a while, but that’s a story for another time. I was wrecked today when I was given a beautiful image of His desperate and heartbreaking love for His children. I am very much aware the heartbreak I felt when I walked away from the little guy I have come to love as my own over the last 8 months is just a glimpse of the heartbreak our Caregiver feels for us when we are separated from His love.  
 
Let me set the stage for you. I am saying my goodbyes and this little guy that I am completely crazy for and melts my heart comes running over with arms outstretched. Of course, without hesitation I reach down and pick him up. He gives me a big hug and lays his head down on my chest. If there was a more liquid form of liquid, that is where my heart would be at this moment in time. I have become this little one’s caregiver, friend, and comforter. I feel as though I had a mother’s love for this little guy. It came time for me to leave and he did not want me to put him down. In fact, his mother had to pry him out of my arms. It broke my heart to leave this little fellow. And it wrecked my world when I realized this is just a small taste of how our Father, Caregiver, Friend, and Comforter feels when we are ripped and torn out of His loving and protecting arms by the lies and schemes society will feed our souls. 
 
It is my prayer that I will someday reach the point of a blood curling, kicking, and screaming fit when I am ployed into the world’s ways rather than my Father’s. I believe it is a process that is well in the making. *Have I ever told you, you shouldn’t pray for something unless you are sure you want it??? 
 
Later in the evening I attended a beautiful wedding ceremony of a beautiful couple. Here I was; experiencing the emotional distress of completing one chapter of my life and preparing to start another when I was completely overcome with joy for the couple that is experiencing the same thing in a different way. The old saying that good things must fall apart for better things to fall into place rings true. Especially here. I had a good thing going. For that matter, in my mind I had a great thing going. I can’t imagine what is in store for me next as I know I am in His hands of protection for He can see what is coming down my path before I do for He has proven this time and time again in my life. 

May 9, 2013

Soaking 101

 
I’ve been having an on-going conversation with the Lord about Truth. About how society feeds our minds and souls so much filthy trash. Asking Him to reveal what Truth is. And what lies I should extinguish out of my mind.

One lie in particular that I, as well as many other children, was feed is the old famous: “Sticks and stones my break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” What a lie from the pit of hell! Yes, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may break my heart and that, my friend, is often much more difficult to mend. “But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men…” James 3:8,9. However, I don’t believe this lie is told to intentionally hurt us, but more to give a false sense of protection.  Well… how ‘bout that? Another lie! Let’s just lie to our kids to protect them. They won’t know the difference, right? Wrong!

That’s a story for another time. I’ll try to stay focused on my point here. You know how hard that is for me, right???? When I have so many voices talking in my head they all want to talk at once and I have to tell them, just as I tell the kids I nanny for, “Let’s not interrupt each other and take turns talking. I can’t hear you when everyone is talking at once.” Hopefully the voices in my head will grasp that concept some day. Fingers crossed.

I diverted. Back to the point. Soaking.

So I received this revelation a few weeks ago. Part of my conversation about Truth is where to find it and how to apply it to my life. I was cleaning my make up brush in which I use a special cleanser. I was grinding it fairly harshly (careful not to damage the bristles) to get the excessive residue off of my brush in an attempt to prevent/remove bacteria build up. After several rounds of spritzing cleanser on the brush, grinding the brush ever so gently in the palm of my hand, rinsing with water, watching all of the unused foundation wash out of the brush, and repeating until the water was more on the clean side than dirty side I realized this was not working. The water was not getting clean. There was so much build up in my brush that no amount of washing and grinding and rinsing was getting the make up out of the brush completely. But I wanted a clean brush to remove the potential for bacteria build up which would not be good for my skin. Since this repetition of spritz, grind, and rinse was not working it was obvious to me that I had gone too long without cleaning the brush and allowed the dirt to build up for entirely too long. I decided to pour some of the cleanser in a small cup and let the brush sit and just soak for a while. That way the cleanser could go deep in the brush and do it’s job.

That’s when the light bulb came on! I realized that I have allowed so many lies to build up in my soul that I am going to have to sit and soak in His Truth. Concentrated Truth. Not watered down by someone else or society. Straight from the source! If I had added water to the cleaning solution for my brush it would not have worked as well and taken longer to remove the buildup. You see, as long as we listen to the lies that society feeds us, bacteria will build up in our minds which is not healthy for our souls. We must keep them clean and clear of all lies in order to successfully seek His face and share His love. And this must be done on a regular basis or “clean up” has the potential to get pretty messy.

So then…. This sparked another conversation. What exactly is soaking. I’ll get to that next. Hang tight.

April 27, 2013

Worn


The lyrics to this song, Worn by Tenth Avenue North, describe almost to a T where my heart and soul has been stuck recently.

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

Yes. This hit the nail on the head.

My heart is heavy for the starving souls of this place. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world.

I know what I need to do. I must turn to the Ultimate Strength Giver. But I’m just too tired to hardly even turn my eyes up. Thankfully when I can’t, He does it for me. And here’s the ultimate line: I’m worn even before the day begins. What a terrible place to be you may think. Perhaps… And perhaps not. Perhaps its exactly where He wanted to put me in order to reveal Truth.

However, there is good news!! I have received a word from the Lord about just soaking in his Truth. What exactly does soaking mean? Why do I need to soak? Why can’t I just wash in His Truth?

I’ll share that with ya soon! Check back shortly.