Paraprosdokian Sentences....

Geeeeeez.... It's been over a month since I've been on here??? I'm getting ready to post the long awaited post about how I've been receiving much provision but untill then sit tight with this one:

So I got this forwarded email the other day. Most of you probably think I'm getting ready to make a complaint, but quite the contrary is true. I'm one of the wierd-o's that doesn't mind all your crazy fowards. Soooo... bring em on! They often provide me with a laugh that is much needed and that is exactly what this one did. Check it out and if you can get to the bottom, I'll bet you got a few smirks on your face too. Take time to think about a few of them too. Here it is:

Paraprosdokian sentences

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. If you Google
paraprosdokian you will probably find (as I did) a Wikipedia page with
some famous examples. Perhaps some of the most well known attributed to
Groucho Marx; “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't
it." Here are a few others.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If
an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go….others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and
a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.