It's never been more real than this year.
I'm broken. My marriage is broken. My family is broken.
We are a broken people. Every single one of us.
In harsh reality, we all have broken pieces that have pierced the heart of another. Broken pieces from a family member or friend or complete stranger that have cut us to the bone. And I am no different. I have sharp pieces from past hurts that will sever you to bits if I do not allow the Father to tend to those hurts. On the other hand, I have experienced sharp pieces from others' lives flying into my world due to no fault of my own that have made me feel like I am hemorrhaging.
This year, as I prepared my heart for the Christmas season I felt the pain like never before. I have been down before in Christmas seasons past. But this was different. It was like a dagger through my heart. Maybe because this Mama's heart (and hormones...) are a little more sensitive to the brokenness of the world now that I am getting ready to bring innocent life into this painful place. I tried and tried to muster up some joy for the season, but honestly it just wasn't happening. My mind could not escape the hurt swirling in every direction. I would go from hurt to guilt. And then back to hurt. You see, my Father has recently entrusted me to carry the life of another for 9 months and then to mother this little life and teach it the ways of His Kingdom. I should feel unending joy at this time, right? But I couldn't. I just couldn't. All I kept feeling was the ache and the pain of the broken world we live in. I kept telling the Lord- there is so much brokenness; my heart just can't stand it. Wow. Perhaps that is the point. To get to a place where our heart aches like His. In His true gentleman fashion, he kindly and gently reminded me- "That is why I came. To heal the broken. To make them whole." Ahhhhhh- Yes, Lord. Thank you for the reminder. But the pain is still here. What do I do with this pain?!?!
Sometimes to justify the hurt in my heart, I will tell myself- I did _______ (insert good a deed to right the wrong) so ________ (person who hurt me) should repair their part too. However, this time was different. I had barely uttered the thought in my mind when the Spirit whispered in my heart again- "It's not about what you did. It's about what I did." But this time it was a much firmer tone of voice. Still kind, but firm. Ahhhhh- yes again, Lord. But OUCH. I thought we had done a lot of work on that pride thing. Duly noted.
Stick with me for 2 more minutes. He also so gently reminded me that He knows what it feels like to be rejected. He understands the pain we go through here on earth. He did it once too. Yes- noted, Lord.
So to those of you that are hurting for whatever reason this Christmas season- You are not alone. He sees your pain. He knows how it feels. I see your pain. I may not know exactly how you feel, but I feel the pain too. Way, deep, down inside- I feel it with you.
If I may- let me make one request. For those that don't know what to do with our pain- let us hurt. Don't let us waller in self pity for eternity, but please- don't dismiss our hurting hearts by telling us all the things we have to be grateful for. It is okay to not be okay for a season and today I am not okay. While I may not be okay today, I will still remember that joy will come in the morning.
Until next time,hang on my hurting friends.
"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manager." Luke 2:8-12
Merry Christmas
