He Changes Everything

"Because when you're wildly in love with someone , it changes everything."

EVERYTHING      

- Francis  Chan

Yea- that pretty much sums it up. More later

Adjusting the Radio

Once again…. It’s been too long and I’m not going to waste my time or yours trying to play catch up so I’ll jump right in. But… I will take back the comment earlier about being desperate for Him to take me out of my comfort zone. Funny how He answers your prayers as long as they are aligned with His will!!

I’ve found myself adjusting my radio lately. No, not the radio in my car… However, I sometimes do that too. And if you know me at all, you know that I get most of my epiphanies in the car so I can see how you would think that way. Oh, and don’t let me forget to tell you about the latest car conversation. Sorry- this is the ADD setting in so I’ll get back on track with the first story. Like I said… it was not the car radio. This time, however, it has been my life radio. I have had WAY too much static trying to take over and get me distracted. Well, ok. Maybe it did take over and get me distracted. But only for a little while. It may seem like longer to you since I haven’t been on here much lately, but I promise it didn’t take me that long to get back on track. I’ll be the first to admit that I still get off track, but I think I’m getting better about finding my way back more quickly than I used to. Hopefully, anyway…

So yes. Imagine that. Static in your life trying to take over and get you off track.  It’s not been the most pleasant thing to experience. You know how annoying it is to have the radio on and then the static starts to take over?!?! I hate it when that happens! But I knew what was going on. And I knew that I was starting to forget to look for the blessings in the day to day daily grind. They say that’s the first step to recovery, right? Admitting that you have a problem? Well, I’ve admitted it and I was screaming: “Captain, we have a problem!! A big problem!” And guess what?!?! He told me that I knew what I needed to do to fix it. That’s right. I just had to get back to looking for the blessings in the good and the bad and the pretty and the ugly. Sometimes I forget to do that. Now there are times that I’ve been good at it, but until recently it had not been the most natural thing to do. It came when I started reading this book; One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I’ll tell ya more about that later.

 
Hang tight and I’ll share the down load I got while I was at the beach a few weeks ago. FYI… It’s amazing what you can hear when you take the time to retune your radio and get rid of the static.

Desperate

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape.”
- William Burroughs

I find myself desperately banging on the doors of heaven. Desperate for change. Desperate for the old mundane to be turned into the extraordinary. Desperate for His healing hand to reach out and heal my broken places. Desperate to live in a way where only His love and affection and provision will fulfill.

I am desperate to live in a place where only He can fulfill my needs, desires, and gut wrenching heartbreaks. Desperate for Him to awaken my soul where my very existence is dependent upon Him to show up.

Desperate for Him to take me out of my comfort zone so that I can feel the comfort of the Ultimate Comforter and the tender love and mercy of the Ultimate Lover of my soul.

I am desperate for more. I can feel His very presence and I want more. I never want Him to leave and I am craving his affection more and more. I see His blessings pour out and I never want them to die.

Dear Lord, I thank you for Your blessings and grace and love and mercy on me. I thank you even more that you share these affections when I am so undeserving. I pray that you would give me a desperate heart for change. For more of you. A desperation to seek Your truth and love. A desperation to leave behind all the lies I have ever believed and ingrained in my head that society will so freely feed me. I am desperate to walk in Your truth and light. I know that we cannot have light without having darkness and I pray that You would give me the strength to press on in the dark days until I see Your light. And then when I see your light, to not stop pressing, but to press for more of your light and share it with others. Amen.

Don't Forget

I'm still struggling.

But it's amazing how blessed I am even in my struggles.

How alone you can feel even when you are more surrounded than you have been in a long time.

I received this message tonight: "Don't forget to thank Him for right where you are today... Because He is with you."

Again, stay tuned for more later.

Drained

I’m drained. Running on fumes and hanging on by a thread.

Physically. Spiritually. Emotionally.

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I signed up for retail work during the holidays times two, but by the grace of God, I somehow survived. I’m in the process of fulfilling my maid of honor duties for my bestie who gets married in April, I moved out of my brother’s place during the craziness of the holidays only to move again in the spring to hopefully what will be a more permanent living situation. During this time my body quickly adjusted to functioning on 2-4 hours of sleep instead of the 6-8 that were required before and I’m not really sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. I seem to be keeping with that pattern, but slowly but surely I’m recovering.

As I reflect on 2011, I recall the insane amount of joy that was counteracted with sorrow, amazing accomplishments counteracted with failures, high hopes counteracted with fears, and healing counteracted with hurtful scars. I seem to be fighting this spiritual battle every day now and I am astounded at the pure mercy and grace I have been given even in the midst of my selfish desires and pity parties.

Let me set the stage for you. The other day, I had just completed balancing my check book when the balance was the lowest it has seen in a long time. Minutes later (literally) I received a phone call from my insurance agent that my auto insurance was being cut in half. Wouldn’t it be nice if God worked that fast ALL the time?!?! Well… He doesn’t if you haven’t figured that out yet. In fact, MOST of the time He doesn’t. Thus, here is the battle: I, an impatient sinner, am not worthy of His blessings and mercy. I fail Him every day and yet He continues to bless me beyond measure. All I desire is to live out His will. But what if His will is not my will? Is He alone enough for me? Why do I continue to let Him down when He continues to be there for me even when I stray? Although God works every day in my self-absorbed world, we haven’t had a real good conversation in a while. My heart aches for something new. I’m weary of the old mundane and fighting against His will. Lord, not my will but Thy will be done.

And then I think about all of the hurt, devastation, sickness and sorrow all around me.

The four friends of mine that have been diagnosed with cancer all in the last 4 weeks.

The state of the economy.

Watching a dear friend work through the loss of his brother.

The critical decision point of this country.

I could go on and on.

And I am unhappy with my circumstances?!?! I am healthy, have not only one job- but two jobs to go to, am surrounded by friends and family that care about me, do not have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think I have the right to complain???? Could we say this girl has officially been plagued with GUILT, GUILT and more GUILT.

I came across this quote several weeks ago. It sums up much of what is churning in my heart.

“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
- - Marilyn Monroe

More later.

He Is Indescribable

It’s been a while… I’m attempting to sum up the last year and can’t do it. Dr. S.M. Lockridge does a pretty good job so I’ll let this be the cliff notes to the end of my 2011 and beginning of 2012. When I can get my thoughts together I’ll share more. But let this hold you over till then.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzqTFNfeDnE