Drained

I’m drained. Running on fumes and hanging on by a thread.

Physically. Spiritually. Emotionally.

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I signed up for retail work during the holidays times two, but by the grace of God, I somehow survived. I’m in the process of fulfilling my maid of honor duties for my bestie who gets married in April, I moved out of my brother’s place during the craziness of the holidays only to move again in the spring to hopefully what will be a more permanent living situation. During this time my body quickly adjusted to functioning on 2-4 hours of sleep instead of the 6-8 that were required before and I’m not really sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. I seem to be keeping with that pattern, but slowly but surely I’m recovering.

As I reflect on 2011, I recall the insane amount of joy that was counteracted with sorrow, amazing accomplishments counteracted with failures, high hopes counteracted with fears, and healing counteracted with hurtful scars. I seem to be fighting this spiritual battle every day now and I am astounded at the pure mercy and grace I have been given even in the midst of my selfish desires and pity parties.

Let me set the stage for you. The other day, I had just completed balancing my check book when the balance was the lowest it has seen in a long time. Minutes later (literally) I received a phone call from my insurance agent that my auto insurance was being cut in half. Wouldn’t it be nice if God worked that fast ALL the time?!?! Well… He doesn’t if you haven’t figured that out yet. In fact, MOST of the time He doesn’t. Thus, here is the battle: I, an impatient sinner, am not worthy of His blessings and mercy. I fail Him every day and yet He continues to bless me beyond measure. All I desire is to live out His will. But what if His will is not my will? Is He alone enough for me? Why do I continue to let Him down when He continues to be there for me even when I stray? Although God works every day in my self-absorbed world, we haven’t had a real good conversation in a while. My heart aches for something new. I’m weary of the old mundane and fighting against His will. Lord, not my will but Thy will be done.

And then I think about all of the hurt, devastation, sickness and sorrow all around me.

The four friends of mine that have been diagnosed with cancer all in the last 4 weeks.

The state of the economy.

Watching a dear friend work through the loss of his brother.

The critical decision point of this country.

I could go on and on.

And I am unhappy with my circumstances?!?! I am healthy, have not only one job- but two jobs to go to, am surrounded by friends and family that care about me, do not have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think I have the right to complain???? Could we say this girl has officially been plagued with GUILT, GUILT and more GUILT.

I came across this quote several weeks ago. It sums up much of what is churning in my heart.

“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
- - Marilyn Monroe

More later.