A Broken Christmas

It's never been more real than this year. 

I'm broken. My marriage is broken. My family is broken.

We are a broken people. Every single one of us. 

In harsh reality, we all have broken pieces that have pierced the heart of another. Broken pieces from a family member or friend or complete stranger that have cut us to the bone. And I am no different. I have sharp pieces from past hurts that will sever you to bits if I do not allow the Father to tend to those hurts. On the other hand, I have experienced sharp pieces from others' lives flying into my world due to no fault of my own that have made me feel like I am hemorrhaging. 

This year, as I prepared my heart for the Christmas season I felt the pain like never before. I have been down before in Christmas seasons past. But this was different. It was like a dagger through my heart. Maybe because this Mama's heart (and hormones...) are a little more sensitive to the brokenness of the world now that I am getting ready to bring innocent life into this painful place. I tried and tried to muster up some joy for the season, but honestly it just wasn't happening. My mind could not escape the hurt swirling in every direction. I would go from hurt to guilt. And then back to hurt. You see, my Father has recently entrusted me to carry the life of another for 9 months and then to mother this little life and teach it the ways of His Kingdom. I should feel unending joy at this time, right? But I couldn't. I just couldn't. All I kept feeling was the ache and the pain of the broken world we live in. I kept telling the Lord- there is so much brokenness; my heart just can't stand it. Wow. Perhaps that is the point. To get to a place where our heart aches like His. In His true gentleman fashion, he kindly and gently reminded me- "That is why I came. To heal the broken. To make them whole." Ahhhhhh- Yes, Lord. Thank you for the reminder. But the pain is still here. What do I do with this pain?!?!

Sometimes to justify the hurt in my heart, I will tell myself- I did _______ (insert good a deed to right the wrong) so ________ (person who hurt me) should repair their part too. However, this time was different. I had barely uttered the thought in my mind when the Spirit whispered in my heart again- "It's not about what you did. It's about what I did." But this time it was a much firmer tone of voice. Still kind, but firm. Ahhhhh- yes again, Lord. But OUCH. I thought we had done a lot of work on that pride thing. Duly noted. 

Stick with me for 2 more minutes. He also so gently reminded me that He knows what it feels like to be rejected. He understands the pain we go through here on earth. He did it once too. Yes- noted, Lord.  

So to those of you that are hurting for whatever reason this Christmas season- You are not alone. He sees your pain. He knows how it feels. I see your pain. I may not know exactly how you feel, but I feel the pain too. Way, deep, down inside- I feel it with you. 

If I may- let me make one request. For those that don't know what to do with our pain- let us hurt. Don't let us waller in self pity for eternity, but please- don't dismiss our hurting hearts by telling us all the things we have to be grateful for. It is okay to not be okay for a season and today I am not okay. While I may not be okay today, I will still remember that joy will come in the morning. 

Until next time,hang on my hurting friends. 

"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manager." Luke 2:8-12

Merry Christmas

Grateful for this Reality

This may not be the typical Thanksgiving post, but it's going to be real so buckle up. 

Reality. What is reality? My reality? Your reality?

Here's the thing- we all have situations in life that are not ideal. Things we are dealing with that we would rather not. Things that have happened to us that we would not have chosen for ourselves. Areas in life that are just downright painful and messy when you get to the root. Things that to the human eye, seem impossible to overcome or even bare the pain of for a single second longer. 

This is my reality. I have relationships that have been shattered to pieces. I have questions about my future that I do not have the answers for. I have financial needs that have not yet been met. I have friends and family in health crises' that need to see a miracle. I have dreams and desires that my soul aches to see come to life. I have loved ones I am missing this holiday season. 

But, my reality is also that I can trust my God instead of the facts as I see them here on earth. I can trust that His promises hold true and will trump any lie here on earth that I will not get the best from Him. I never would have dreamed that I would be where I am today after my year last year. I've seen my God extinguish volcanoes that were erupting in my life. Yes- there was damage done that is having to be repaired. But we serve a God that is out to rescue and redeem (remember that last post?) Don't get me wrong- I still have my fair share of trials I am working through. I still have broken relationships in dire need of repair, friends and family with health crisis' that need to see a miracle, hopes and dreams that still long to be fulfilled, friends that have had loved ones taken away from this earth in a single instant. 

So on this Thanksgiving Day, I am going to choose to have an attitude of gratitude for the various trials I have faced. Especially in the last 12 months. Why? Because if I had not gone through those trials, I would not have gotten to see the miracles in my life that have come out of some of the hardest days I have ever faced. 

Also on this Thanksgiving Day, I am going to ask you to do something with me- Choose to trust God instead of the facts. Especially if you are in what may look like a hopeless situation. Will it be easy? No. But will it be worth it? Guaranteed. I'm not asking you to do this alone. Do it with me. I also still have what seems to be impossible situations in dire need of breakthrough. So on this day, let's activate the spiritual weapon of gratitude and watch to see what happens.  

Happy Thanksgiving 

Rescued and Redeemed

I’ve been thinking lately…

About the difference between a rescue mission and a recovery mission.

In a rescue mission the effort is geared toward bringing someone back that has a chance at life. In a recovery mission the effort is geared toward bringing someone back that does not have a chance at life.

Thankfully, our Father is always on a search and rescue mission. He is never out to just  recover a dead soul- He is out to rescue and redeem. How comforting is that? As long as we are his children, we will always have the promise of an abundant life. I, as I’m sure all of us do, have friends and family that are missing- Missing out on the abundant life of the kingdom. And I am ever so thankful that my Father is out on a rescue mission for the souls of those I love. I do not have to wonder if they will be recovered having a chance at life. I know they will be recovered with the chance to have their life revived and renewed.

This, my friends, affects the reality we have as believers.

While there is never a rescue without risks, once we have an understanding of the reality we have as His children, we can face those risks head on with confidence.

Stay tuned for more thoughts on how we can live in the Real Reality and what that does for our lives here on earth.

In the meantime, set out on a rescue mission giving those that are lost souls a chance at redemption.

Oh, Taste and See

photo credit to my sweet friend, Amanda Williams 5.15.18

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good." 

I seem to have a theme going right now... While my thoughts earlier were about being seen by the Lord, my current thoughts have shifted to what we see of the Lord. When I get repeating messages there is usually a good word to be heard so I try and perk my ears up a little more. I've been getting nuggets over the last few weeks and am still processing the message myself, but I'm going to try and articulate what I've gotten thus far.  

After much pondering whether the tasting or the seeing comes first, I've come to this conclusion: While in the physical world you will most often see something before you actually taste it, I believe it is different in the spiritual world. Does it make sense? Not really. But, over the years I have used that to help me gauge if I am viewing things from the worldly perspective or the spiritual perspective. Most of the time, if it makes sense it is of the world's view. And if it doesn't... well, here's your sign. *smile* 

Buckle up. I'll let you inside my thought life for just a split second. Here we go. 

Take for example the picture above. I can almost taste the creamy, coco, deliciousness in my mouth by just the visual alone. Seeing that enticing piece of cake is what makes me want to take a bite and taste it for myself. Here on earth we see something that looks good. Whether it be a job promotion, a second serving of that mouthwatering goodness, taking a trip to a longtime desired destination- you get the picture. In all of those situations we usually see something that looks good first and then we experience the flavor of that decision. Much to our dismay, sometimes it will not always be the sweetness we expected and it will leave a bitter taste lingering in our mouth for a period of time. And on the flip side, sometimes it will be a sweetness sweeter than we could have imagined. 

Now lets take a look at the spiritual realm for a minute. This is where things get flipped and don't seem to really make sense when you think about it. This is where the tasting comes before the seeing. As it is stated in Psalm 34:8, "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good." I believe the Father has so much goodness to offer us while we are here on earth that we cannot even begin to fathom it all. I don't believe we have to wait until we get to heaven to experience a little taste of heaven while we are right here on earth. Remember... the Lord's prayer even directs us to pray- thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.  

When we are called into a certain action, we may not- infact, more often than not, we don't fully see the circumstances we are about to take on. However, we can go ahead and take that step of faith to move forward even with a decision where we cannot see everything upfront. It's not like when you sign a contract for your employer. We do not always know the compensation we will be receiving when we take a step of faith. But we do know our Father will be alongside us every single step of the way. Often, I will look back to a previous trial and remember the taste of goodness from the Lord during that time to remind myself that he is good. All. The. Time.     

But what about when tragedy hits? How in the world can we taste and see his goodness in all of that sorrow and pain? What about when your baby gets that diagnosis, or when that steady income gets ripped out from underneath you, or when your marriage is crumbling, or when you loose everything you own in that natural disaster, or when your family- the ones who are supposed to always be by your side, turn their back on you? What then? Oh, friend- it is in some of my darkest days that I have seen the Lord's goodness the clearest. I am not by any means downplaying your trials or burdens. I have been right there with you. Wondering how in the world something good can come of the mess I am in. All I'm asking is that you turn your head up to the heavenlies with me even if just for a moment.  

While some of you know the dark trials I have faced and am still facing from the last 12-15 months, I'm going to give you a little more light hearted example- relatively speaking.

Many of you know we just lost my grandmother several weeks ago. While she lived a good long, fruitful life of nearly 89 years, it is never easy to loose someone that has been around your whole life. Especially when they played a large part in your raising. But she would not want us to spend the rest of our years mourning her death. She made clear to us, her family, that she wanted us to spend our years celebrating her life here on earth and more importantly the eternal life she now gets to experience with her Maker. During a time that often creates much division among families, has brought our family closer together. Don't misunderstand me here. My family has it's flaws and we have plenty of messes to deal with. Before my grandmother's passing we had our fair share of family division and hurtful words tossed around like shards of glass. But God. But God is in the business of redeeming relationships and our entire family was all together, in one place, under the same roof for the first time in I can't even tell you how long. We were together reflecting on the good memories of the one whose legacy we will carry on. The night after her service when I was headed back home, I saw a lightening storm like I had never seen a lightening storm before. I knew deep within my soul that holy things were being done in the heavenlies. On my behalf; on my family's behalf. While I know my God can carry his power through his single breath alone, I'd be lying if I did't say heaven is just a little sweeter for me knowing I have one more angel looking down and watching over me.    

I believe for us to see things the way our Father wants us to see them, we must go out into deep waters with him. Ya'll, our Father calls us out into deep waters with him. Where the water is more clear and calm. No matter our circumstances. Yes- they may look rough and dark and scary and unknown. But how else are we going to know and see his blessings and outrageous love if we don't dive in? Will you take a leap of faith with me and dive into the deeper waters with me? Our Father literally died so that we could experience and SEE his blessings on our life. 

Seen

Ever feel like you're not seen?
By your Father? Your friends? Even your own family?

You. Are. Seen. 

His eyes are for you and his eyes are on you. 

Let me expand a little bit. 

We can control what others see about us. For the most part. What you post on social media, what you share with your friends and family, how much of your crazy life you allow your co-workers to see. I could go on. You pretty much control what you conceal and what you reveal. And it feels pretty good to be in control of what others see about you, doesn't it? 

Until. That time when you reveal a little bit more of your heart and perhaps it's not seen. Maybe it's not seen at all or maybe it's not seen how you see it. Or. Let's flip the coin for a second- perhaps you are the one that doesn't see. Doesn't see what the Father is doing on your behalf. 

But here's the thing. You are seen. By your Maker. He knows everything about you. And he sees everything in you and surrounding you. Everything. 

I'm going to step out on a limb here and let you see a little bit of my own heart. 

A few of you know more details about my mom than I have time to share here. About our relationship. About her health. But here's what I will share- more than several days ago (I've needed some time to process the recent events) I was on my way home from spending most of the week in Knoxville. It wasn't the most pleasant of weeks. My grandmother was very sick and there was more tension than usual between my mom and I. On my drive home, my thoughts had plenty of time to wonder. To wonder from sadness to anger to doubt to fear. 

As though my Father needed my assistance, I reminded him of his most recent promises to me regarding the relationship with my mom and her health. You know why I reminded Him? Because my limited vision here on earth can't see all that he is doing in the heavenly's. Because for a moment I felt like I had been forgotten. My heartache wasn't seen. My cries weren't being heard. 

While the following days back at home were more than difficult knowing how things had been left in Knoxville, I had a choice. To wonder in my thoughts of doubt and fear and anger and sorrow or to rest in His peace. Peace knowing that my Father sees me. Sees my pain and feels my sorrow. Peace that while I may not know the outcome yet, He does. 

Amazing things happen when you can rest in that peace. Take a look at this picture. 

A lot of you know about my thing with hearts- a thing one of my friends shared with me that I grabbed ahold of several years ago. These hearts are my Father's way of reminding me that He sees me. He loves me and has not forgotten me. It's His kindness giving me something tangible to hold onto. 

See what is inside the heart? Susan. 

My. Mom. Is. In. The. Heart. 

And here's the thing about it- At first I did not see my mom's name. It was not until I was zooming in to crop it later that afternoon that I saw it. Get it? When we zoom our focus in on Him, we can see things we wouldn't normally see. During this time when I was not seeing, but yet I was choosing to believe, my Father gave me the sweetest reminder that he not only sees me and has me in His arms, but He sees my mom and has her too. 

He is too good to me. 

Will you do something with me? Lets turn our eyes up to heaven and see what happens when our eyes meet His. Lets see what He has to show us that maybe we aren't seeing down here on earth. 

Steady

steady
(adjective)- firmly fixed, supported, or balanced; not shaking or moving; regular, even, and continuous in development, frequency or intensity
(verb)- make or become steady; used as a warning to someone to keep calm or take care

I was having lunch with a friend the other day and we were having a nice time talking about life and what all the Lord has done and what he is still doing. I was telling her about my word for the year, steady. And we were talking about what that can mean. For me, I knew there was going to be a lot going on this year (my other word is activate) and instead of letting myself become burned out by tackling everything at once, I knew it was going to be critical for me to stay balanced as I pursue his calling on my life and all the things he has given me to do this year.  In other words- keep calm and keep marching on [even during the craziness of life].

She was sharing with me about how it can also mean that the Lord is steady. With me. With you. He is always by your side. Through all of the ups and downs of this life journey. And through life’s ups and downs, it is critical for us to stay in steady and constant relationship with him.

And then we were also talking about my tendency to lean toward performance and perfectionism. I have known I was a perfectionist for a long time, but I have been trying to decipher the difference between when it correlates with my God- given personality of attention to detail and when it is tied to my need for approval and acceptance. Yes- that’s it! It’s all about my motives. Am I truly doing my best for the Lord and only the Lord, or am I seeking the approval of others here on earth?

Remember the scripture, “Create a clean heart in me, O God. And renew a steadfast spirit in me”? Yeah that steadfast spirit? It can also be referred to as a right spirit. Loyal spirit. Faithful spirit.

So then all the dots started connecting…

As the Lord stays steadily by my side through all of life’s ups and downs and as I steadily stay in relationship with him and pursue his calling on my life, He will renew a steadfast spirit in me with pure motives only toward Him. A loyal spirit. A right spirit. A faithful spirit.

A spirit healed and free of performance for acceptance!

Yes and Amen. Thank you, Jesus!

Now, lets go ride those ups and downs of life together with that steadfast spirit!

Accepted

As I take this week to prepare my heart for Easter, I can't help but reflect over the past 12 months of my life.

I remember it was this time a year ago that I got the ultimate rejection.
And I reflect on all the Lord has done since then.  

A year ago, I walked into work and knew immediately that something was wrong when asked for the password to my email. While I don't really recall the words that followed, I vividly recall the rejection. It was a feeling all too familiar to this soul. I was no longer needed. Or wanted. So it felt. My position had been cut from the company. 

My performance no longer taken into account. My kindness, integrity, work ethic, genuine concern for the wellbeing of my co-workers- all obsolete. 

All of these things. They had gotten me acceptance in life thus far. 

But what do you do when there is nothing to do? 

The following 12 months would take me on a journey I never expected.

A journey of rejection and more rejection and then finally acceptance. 

The irony in it all? Through all of the acceptance I had been seeking, I failed to accept myself. There was too much self-hate happening. If I couldn't accept myself, the next best thing is to get others to accept me, right? Wrong. And that is precisely what the enemy wanted me to believe.

So began the conversation... 

But God. You created me for acceptance. For a sense of belonging. That quality You instilled in my heart. 

Yes. But Elizabeth. You have misplaced that sense of belonging. You don't belong to the world. You belong to Me. 

Right then and there the lie began to loose its power and the truth began to take root. See how subtly the enemy will sneak that lie in? 

Am I home free now? Absolutely not.
Do gardens grow without tending to? Not hardly.

I must continue to do the work and pluck the weeds at the root. And, let me assure you, there are still plenty of weeds that need plucking. But- the flowers are starting to bloom in my garden and there's no more choking them out with the lies any longer!

See here- if the enemy could keep me focused on other's acceptance, He knew I wouldn't focus on my Father's acceptance or even my own acceptance. In the end, does it matter what kind of daughter, sister, aunt, friend, wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, or employee I am? No. Do I want to be pleasing in all those areas of my life? Yes. But really all that matters is that I am a child of the King. And when I am seeking His will, all those other areas of my life will fall into place. 

My Father? He knows the truth. He knows I'm acceptable. 

He has accepted me. Flaws and all. 

He accepted me the moment he died on the cross for my sins. Have you accepted Him? Have you accepted His will on your life? Thy will; not my will be done.

Please do not take this as judgement or condemnation. It has taken me 35 years to just begin sorting out the lies. I am in the same boat as you. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. When is enough, enough? Did you know we have the authority in Jesus Christ to take those lies and thoughts captive and cast them back to the pit of hell where they belong? Will you join me? I've had enough of his twisting and manipulating in my life!

Stay with me for just one more second.

In reflecting over this last year, I am reminded of the ultimate rejection my Father experienced through the cross. And then how He received the ultimate acceptance of His Father in heaven. 

Our Maker has infused in us specific qualities so that we can fulfill our destiny. If the enemy can get us to hate those qualities enough- to hate ourselves enough; ultimately we miss the calling on our life.

Our Father is inviting us to abundant life in Him. With Him.

Will you accept His invitation? He has accepted you. 

Blessings for a glorious Easter season for you!

And for abundant life in Him. With Him. 

Fast Lane Living

I’m one of those that operates under a sense of urgency. Nearly all the time.

For a long time I annoyed even myself operating out of this manner. After many debates with the Lord about this trait in me, I now understand it is how I’m wired and can appreciate it as a gift from my Father that makes me uniquely me. I’m learning how to balance this feeling that everything needs to have been done yesterday and learning how to use that drive when I need to get things done, yet not miss out on the journey and enjoyment of life.

What does that have to do with anything?

Well- you see, I was driving in the fast lane the other day and it gave me something to think about. I’ve recognized this fast lane living about myself for some time. However, I gained a new perspective when I was out driving on this particular morning. While I was driving, the sunrise was directly behind me- in my rear view mirror. It was the fiery pink, red and orange strokes in the sky that caught my eye. I was sad it was behind me and I couldn't take in the beauty of the first moments of a new day, but I was grateful I could catch glimpses here and there through the mirror.

Until.

Until I could no longer catch even a quick glimpse because I was now driving directly parallel to this beauty that was unfolding in the sky. While I continued to maintain my stance in the fast lane, I would quickly turn my head to grab another glimpse of the fiery strokes highlighting the silhouettes of the mountains. Of course, only when I could do so without creating a disturbance amongst the cars around me. That’s when the question came. “How often are you driving in the fast lane and missing out on the beauty I have for you?”

Ouch.

I’ve had this conversation many times with the Lord. Not living life so fast and taking time to stop and smell the roses per say. “But…” my spirit responded. “This is how you made me. We’ve already had this discussion.”

Ahhhhh… Light bulb moment! Yes- while this is how I was uniquely made and while I can still honor that trait my Maker gave me, at the same time I need to take note of which seat I am occupying. The driver’s seat or the passenger’s seat. Or even in the back seat fast asleep. That can make all the difference in the world. While I believe this sense of urgency helps me to do much of the work my Father gives me, I know I will be much more effective if I’m in the passenger’s seat. Not to mention, I’ll spend less energy trying to figure out where to go and get to take in more of the surrounding beauty of life.

While driving in the fast lane can often get a bad rap, I think its best to take a look at which seat you find yourself in. Now here’s a thought… Perhaps sometimes we need to step up our game and riding in the fast lane with the Ultimate Driver is the way to do that. While the season of life and surrounding circumstances will often determine the lane you travel, pay attention to the seat you occupy, in your little race car.

Either way, whichever lane you find yourself in- buckle up and lets enjoy the ride [in the passenger's seat]! 

In Memory

****************************************************************************
While I was processing the thoughts above as they swirled around in my head, one of the most faithful race runners I know went to be with his Father. Brother Doug had the most energy I have ever seen a single soul posses. He had a love for the Lord that was bigger than life and his passion was to share that love and see others  [especially children] come to love the same God he did. This man was the greatest example of living life in the fast lane while allowing his Father to control the steering wheel. None of us were ready to see him go home, but I know we are all forever grateful for the example he set of running the race. You ran the race well, Brother Doug!  

Additives

I have never really been one to watch what I eat.
Until recently that is. But that’s a story for another time.

I have many friends that are cautious of their diet and avoid most additives you will find in foods today, but that was just never something on my radar. While it takes a conscious effort and discipline to stay away from these things, it is something they want to do so they make it happen.

What's the big deal with additives you may wonder? I’ve been talking with the Lord about patience for some time now. Something I have always struggled with and something I continue to struggle with. So much so that I can hardly stand to wait on just a pot of water to boil! It’s something He’s been working on consistently with me, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I recently asked Him what He was trying to teach me in a particular circumstance and His response was… drum roll, please… Yep, you got it- patience!

So I decided this subject deserved some (more) serious evaluation.
And here’s what He showed me:

Somewhere along the way, and I don’t even know where, I heard if you add a tad bit of salt to a pot of water it will boil faster. So my gullible self had been doing this for years. Yeah... Picture me standing by the stove waiting and waiting for the water to boil faster just because I added a pinch of salt. I never really tested the theory to see if it was true and turns out it is a false theory. Should I be surprised? Probably not. Because of the law of thermodynamics, it actually slows the process down.

In thinking about this, I got to wondering what things are in my life that I added thinking they would speed things up, but in the end actually slowed the process down? People, habits, poor attitudes, “stuff”? Yeah, all of the above. Sometimes you just pick these things up because they are the norm in your social circle or family of origin. However, the Lord does not intend for us to take on these things that are not of benefit to His purpose in our life. You see, the thing is… the Lord usually has a process He is taking you through and if you add something to that process you will not benefit fully from what he is trying to teach you.

How about as spring approaches, we all take a good look at our hearts and reconsider what needs to stay and what needs to go.

Let spring cleaning begin!