Desperate

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape.”
- William Burroughs

I find myself desperately banging on the doors of heaven. Desperate for change. Desperate for the old mundane to be turned into the extraordinary. Desperate for His healing hand to reach out and heal my broken places. Desperate to live in a way where only His love and affection and provision will fulfill.

I am desperate to live in a place where only He can fulfill my needs, desires, and gut wrenching heartbreaks. Desperate for Him to awaken my soul where my very existence is dependent upon Him to show up.

Desperate for Him to take me out of my comfort zone so that I can feel the comfort of the Ultimate Comforter and the tender love and mercy of the Ultimate Lover of my soul.

I am desperate for more. I can feel His very presence and I want more. I never want Him to leave and I am craving his affection more and more. I see His blessings pour out and I never want them to die.

Dear Lord, I thank you for Your blessings and grace and love and mercy on me. I thank you even more that you share these affections when I am so undeserving. I pray that you would give me a desperate heart for change. For more of you. A desperation to seek Your truth and love. A desperation to leave behind all the lies I have ever believed and ingrained in my head that society will so freely feed me. I am desperate to walk in Your truth and light. I know that we cannot have light without having darkness and I pray that You would give me the strength to press on in the dark days until I see Your light. And then when I see your light, to not stop pressing, but to press for more of your light and share it with others. Amen.

Don't Forget

I'm still struggling.

But it's amazing how blessed I am even in my struggles.

How alone you can feel even when you are more surrounded than you have been in a long time.

I received this message tonight: "Don't forget to thank Him for right where you are today... Because He is with you."

Again, stay tuned for more later.

Drained

I’m drained. Running on fumes and hanging on by a thread.

Physically. Spiritually. Emotionally.

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I signed up for retail work during the holidays times two, but by the grace of God, I somehow survived. I’m in the process of fulfilling my maid of honor duties for my bestie who gets married in April, I moved out of my brother’s place during the craziness of the holidays only to move again in the spring to hopefully what will be a more permanent living situation. During this time my body quickly adjusted to functioning on 2-4 hours of sleep instead of the 6-8 that were required before and I’m not really sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. I seem to be keeping with that pattern, but slowly but surely I’m recovering.

As I reflect on 2011, I recall the insane amount of joy that was counteracted with sorrow, amazing accomplishments counteracted with failures, high hopes counteracted with fears, and healing counteracted with hurtful scars. I seem to be fighting this spiritual battle every day now and I am astounded at the pure mercy and grace I have been given even in the midst of my selfish desires and pity parties.

Let me set the stage for you. The other day, I had just completed balancing my check book when the balance was the lowest it has seen in a long time. Minutes later (literally) I received a phone call from my insurance agent that my auto insurance was being cut in half. Wouldn’t it be nice if God worked that fast ALL the time?!?! Well… He doesn’t if you haven’t figured that out yet. In fact, MOST of the time He doesn’t. Thus, here is the battle: I, an impatient sinner, am not worthy of His blessings and mercy. I fail Him every day and yet He continues to bless me beyond measure. All I desire is to live out His will. But what if His will is not my will? Is He alone enough for me? Why do I continue to let Him down when He continues to be there for me even when I stray? Although God works every day in my self-absorbed world, we haven’t had a real good conversation in a while. My heart aches for something new. I’m weary of the old mundane and fighting against His will. Lord, not my will but Thy will be done.

And then I think about all of the hurt, devastation, sickness and sorrow all around me.

The four friends of mine that have been diagnosed with cancer all in the last 4 weeks.

The state of the economy.

Watching a dear friend work through the loss of his brother.

The critical decision point of this country.

I could go on and on.

And I am unhappy with my circumstances?!?! I am healthy, have not only one job- but two jobs to go to, am surrounded by friends and family that care about me, do not have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think I have the right to complain???? Could we say this girl has officially been plagued with GUILT, GUILT and more GUILT.

I came across this quote several weeks ago. It sums up much of what is churning in my heart.

“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
- - Marilyn Monroe

More later.

He Is Indescribable

It’s been a while… I’m attempting to sum up the last year and can’t do it. Dr. S.M. Lockridge does a pretty good job so I’ll let this be the cliff notes to the end of my 2011 and beginning of 2012. When I can get my thoughts together I’ll share more. But let this hold you over till then.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzqTFNfeDnE

He Calls Us

“Eliz-a-beth…. Eliz-a-beth… Eliz-a-beth… SARAH Eliz-A-beth!” I’m sure we’ve all been called this way at some point in our lifetime… Your mom is calling you. And calling you. And calling you. And you’re ignoring her. And finally she calls you by first AND middle name. It’s then that you know you need to pay attention. I won’t tell you how many times this happened to me when I was little, but I’m sure you could probably guess. Be nice! Anyway…. Back to the point. Was I the only one that thought I’d eventually grow out of that phase? OR perhaps, am I the only one still IN that phase? The phase of ignoring my name when it’s called if I don’t want to listen. There’s a story here; I promise. Let me give you this word picture I got today (well it will actually probably be the other day by the time I get this completely down on paper).

If you’ve heard any of my other word pictures you may pick up on a common theme that I’m usually in the car when I get them. This one was no different. I’m not sure why, but God likes to talk to me when I’m in the car. Sooooo, like I said: I was in the car the other day. I had my radio on as usual (I’m not a huge CD person or I-Pod person; go ahead and call me old school) and there wasn’t really anything on that was hit’n the spot with me. I changed it to another preset and that didn’t strike my fancy so I changed it to another one and there was no spark there either. I went through all my presets and just wasn’t get’n the fix that I was after. All the while, I heard this soft nudge… “Elizabeth, turn off the radio.” (This is when I would change to another preset) It came again ever so gently, “Elizabeth, turn off the radio.” (Again, I just changed to another preset) It wasn’t until I got the “SARAH Eliz-A-beth, turn OFF the radio! Now!” Okay, okay! Geeeeze, I’ll turn it off.

Then the word picture came. How many times has God been talking to me and it’s not what I want to hear? Ummmm… I won’t answer that right now. But I’ll tell ‘ya it’s been all too frequent. He told me on this particular day when I was in the car that He is not like the radio. I can’t change the station when He is talking about something just because I don’t like it and don’t want to hear it. Too many times have I tried to drown out my sorrows, worry, fears, self-consumed drama, etc, etc, etc with the radio by hopping from station to station to station to get what I want to hear. God doesn’t work that way. When He has something to say, He wants you to listen and He’ll call you, and call you, and call you until you decide to pay attention. Isn’t that beautiful?!?!

Another tid bit of work He did before He dropped the big bomb on me in the car the other day that you should know about because He is just that good. I just love how this guy works and prepares us when we don’t even realize it! Get this. So at work in my office I have a radio. It doesn’t get much reception. Well, maybe that’s a lie. It only gets one station. And that’s only if the paperclips that are clipped to the antenna are clipped just in the right spot. You didn’t really need to know all that about the radio, but you do need to know this: Every morning when I go in I have the same routine- get my paper work out, turn on the radio, turn on the desk lamp, and get to work. A few weeks ago, I did all that except turn on the radio. Accident I didn’t turn on the radio? I think not. Just hours later on that very same day a very important business man knocked on my door. We’ll just say it was a good thing the radio was off. Not that it would have been a catastrophe if it had been on, but it was just better that it was off. All that to say… ever since then I’ve been enticed to leave it off. After all, it gives me a few hours of peace and quiet before I finish my work in the office and head out to the floor for the craziness of the day to consume my thoughts. The other day I went to turn on the radio and the station was not coming in clearly. I rearranged the paperclips, adjusted the placement of the antenna, moved the location of the radio to try and get better reception in the closet I call my office and none of the attempts to get reception worked. Now, I knew in all of my time using this 99 year old radio, it never got reception of any other stations, but this one. After my attempts of rearranging the antenna and paperclips failed, I decided to change stations just to see what would happen. Low and behold it received another station. Yes, that was singular tense. One more station. Here’s the kicker. It was a Christian station. How’s that for Him preparing to tell me I need to listen to Him more? Not only that, but to play a Christian station in a place of business?? I’ll just say He works in ways better than I can imagine.

Guess you may be wondering what the moral of this story is, huh? For me it’s simple: “Be still and know that I am God” – Psalm 46:10

But I want to take it a step farther and say: Be still and be QUIET and know that I am God. Something else my mom probably said to me quite frequently when I was little; “Sit still and be QUIET!”

Being still and being quiet can be two different things, I think. I can be still, but not really being quiet at the same time. Music can be a good thing. In fact, it has really spoken to me in the last 12/15 months more than it usually did. Maybe because I came across this great station, Life 88.3, and made a real connection with the morning host, Beth Green. Who by the way is this amazing, godly woman who spoke to many people through her ministry at the station until God had other plans a few months ago. Don’t kill me here, Beth, when you hear this next part. Right now where I am in my journey I’m realizing I need to be careful and not get so wrapped up in listening to the music that I can’t hear God. Hence the be QUIET part of the moral. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll still listen to the radio. I think it can really put you in a state of worship, but it will be different now and perhaps when I’m not getting my fix in music like I would prefer and instead of bouncing back and forth between my presets, I’ll be more likely to turn it off and listen to what “someone else” has to say.

While I’m on the topic of music, I’ll leave ‘ya with this song. Did you know that He knows you more intimately than anyone in the world and adores you; mistakes and all? Ladies, let God sing this song to you and try to really believe what He says about you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhFSgnvKqm4

Post Easter Week... A Real Look at the Meaning of Easter

I’m not gonna lie. It’s been a rough week. Ironically enough, it’s the week after Easter and Satan has attacked from all sides. He’s attacked my attitude, he’s attacked my relationships, he’s attacked my family, and he’s attacked my spirit. He’s doing his darndest to reek havoc in my life again. It didn’t hit me until this morning. I was ironing my pants and getting ready to go to church when I found myself thinking… This time last week it was Easter Sunday and I was feeling pretty good about life and where I stood with things. I was grateful for a God that had saved me from my ways that were slowing but surely killing me. Then I got to thinking again… What is different about THIS week and LAST week? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

I’m ashamed to admit that I had allowed myself to be consumed with my own drama this week and dismissed that fact that my God is RISEN and has promised to come back for me! How in the world in one weeks time I could forget that is beyond me! He was gracious enough to awaken me and spare me of the continuous lies that Satan will so willingly feed me. I’m going to try and do better on celebrating this amazing Truth everyday during the year and not just on Easter Sunday. And this is the true meaning of Easter… That we can live each and every day with the hope and expectation that we will be restored to glory with Him some day! Ahhhhh… Such a refreshing and simple truth He gives us!

He Changes Us

Has it really been over a year since I started this blogging thing? Wow… how time flies! I think I’ve experienced more change this last year than I have my entire life. Seriously; I’m not kidding here. To be one that isn’t real keen on change I guess God knew He better do it all at once for it to be effective. How cool is it to know that He loves us so much that He doesn’t want to see us stay the same?

I’m not going to try and put all of the change I’ve experienced into words because it's simply too much and will take way too long, but I’ll throw this quote at 'ya:

"Without change you cannot have butterflies"

How beautiful is that?!?! I know there is still going to be a lot of change for me to go through in my lifetime, but to know that it is producing butterflies puts butterflies in the pit of my stomach (in a good way of course).

I don’t want to get to wordy tonight, so I’m just going to wish everyone the best Easter Season EVER this year!! You know how I feel about that chocolate bunny holiday and if you don’t…. Well; feel free to check out the Easter post from last year. My feelings on that haven’t changed…

Happy Easter, All!!